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Feb. 7th, 2010

my demon

Dido - It comes and it goes

Some days I want love, and some days I don't.
Sometimes I can feel it and suddenly it's gone.
Some days I can tell you the truth,
And some days I just don't.

Only a change of mood, sun goes down
Someone says something too quick or too soon
A touch not made, one made too late
Armies of words cannot hope to contain

Then it comes and it goes.
And I have no control.

Some days I can think clear and some days I won't.
Sometimes I can feel it and suddenly it's gone
Some days I am strong and some days my skin's broken and thin.
That's when it feels and it takes what it needs and it leaves before I get to know,
It's only a step away moments that armies of words can not hope to contain

Then it comes and it goes.
And I cant make it hold.
And there's nothing I own.
And it breaks me when it goes.

Some days I want love, and some days I don't
Sometimes I can feel it and suddenly it's gone
Some days I can tell you the truth and some days I just don't.

Only a change of mood dream comes out
Some one tells something to quick or to soon,
A move not made one made to late
Armies of words cannot hope to contain

Then it comes and it goes.
And I can't seem to hold
And there's nothing I own.
And it breaks me when it goes.
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Dec. 29th, 2009


It's been a while


It's been a long time since I posted anything on here. I knew that I would be busy with my move to London and starting my masters but I have to admit I didn't expect to be so busy that I couldn't find time for here.

So whats happened in the last 6 months or so?

Moved to London:
Despite some teething problems with the house we are very nearly completely unpacked and it felt like home from the first couple of days. Living next to Mum hasn't been too bad. She keeps coming round but sometimes it's nice to sit and chat with her (less so when I'm busy though). It's also meant a lot more home cooked meals from her. Being near the rest of the family is good aswell. I've been able to make it to 2 family occasions, taught Nat how to homebrew and learnt some West Indian cooking from her and I had the kids over these past 2 days. Tiring but fun.

Started my course:
Again this one has been tiring but fun. It was a bit nerve-racking to start with, meeting new people etc. There were only 6 people doing the same course as me though so we all got to know each other quite quickly. They are a nice bunch. I really did miss the learning aspect, more than I thought and I've really enjoyed it so far. I'm getting a little stressed about finding a summer projects and if I'm doing the right modules or not but hopefully all will be well. I was right that I have the enthusiasm to do well this time round. I can proudly say I've had 100% attendance for the course so far; which is something I have never managed for any course or even module (bar the parasitology module in my BSc and even then I'm not sure if I managed 100% as opposed to just going most of the time). I really hope I can manage that for the coming term and the SAD doesn't get in the way too much :-(

It sounds kinda sad but that's pretty much it. Uni has pretty much taken up most of my time. Oh in late Sept (before the course started) I went on a relaxing holiday with Sam and Lis in Spain. We spent most of it playing Race for the Galaxy, swimming (I can swim now!) and lazing by the pool. It was really good.

Merlin started on TV again for season 2 and has finished now. I wasn't sure about it to start with but the season grew on me. I need to rewatch it but not quite sure when I'll have time. I have totally fallen out of the fandom though (not that I was that far in it to start with). Keeping up to date with Merlin08 was the first to go, swiftly followed by fanfic (if anyone has any recs for decent very very short angsty fics they would be appreciated!).

Oh and the December season happened, containing an exam I worried far too much about, Yule, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, having the kids stay over and New Years. The exam was meh, I put a lot of work in but as per usual I feel I should have/could have put more in. I think I did ok but I'm pretty sure I won't be happy with my grade *sigh* It's fine when I don't care about what I'm studying 'cos the grade doesn't bother me, but as soon as I start to put effort in and care about the work I get disappointed with the results.Hopefully that's something I can work on this year.

Christmas ramblingsCollapse )

Spent the rest of today playing on the PS3 with Sam. First Mushroom Wars which I like but keep loosing at and then Pixal something Monsters, which is a tower defence game, not as fun as Mushroom Wars but strangely addictive. Played it for at least 6 hours (with a half hour break for dinner when we finally remembered it). Quite frustrating but hoping to play some more tomorrow. Maybe I can actually do this relaxing lark!

Right I guess I should sleep now, what with it being nearly 6am. I just wanted to let people know I'm still alive, what I've been up to and that hopefully I'll manage to stay around when term starts. Hope everyone on my f-list is well



Apr. 18th, 2009


ummmm walkies?

Ok I know this may be cheeky (or it may not - I suck at asking for things). But I am planning to go on a sponsered walk in Scotland to raise some money for an organisation called CAWL (Countryside and Ancient Ways Legacy). It's aim is to buy a plot of land which can be preserved and used for pagan camps and stuff. It's not yet a registered charity but is looking at gaining that label.

The walk isn't epic, 6 miles, but the challenge is that I will be doing it starkers, well I get to wear shoes and a hat if its sunny - and boy do I pray it will be sunny!

So would any of you like to sponser me? The form is behind the cut and you can pm addresses/email addresses as this post is public.

Onwards! To forms and - well, formsCollapse ) Grr couldn't paste the form in, its a pdf and my techy skills fail. Have tried my best to reproduce it.

Ok I will go crawl under a rock somewhere and look forward to the Scottish countryside

Dans - hoping you all don't hate me

Apr. 14th, 2009


more happy stuff

 things that made me happy today

a nice sauna
watching a family

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Apr. 12th, 2009


8 days of happy

1) homebrew
2) winning on a button mashing game
3)lazy mornings 
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Apr. 8th, 2009


8 days of happy

Tagged by innovativecheat - I can do it and I'll even go for more than one :-)


1. Post about something that made you happy today, even if it's just a small thing.
2. Do this every day for eight days.
3. Tag eight of your friends to do the same.

What made me happy today:
1. Posted two manga reviews on my other LJ
2. Had pizza hut with sam and had a good convo
3. I'm wearing my Farscape Tshirt and someone recognised without seeing the back!
4. O O O I nearly forgot, found out Gravitaion Collection will be volumes 1 and 2 of the manga and I will pp it on pre-order when I get home *bounce* I love gravi so much!


I tag: ravenbairn jazzymegster llivla nekosakurazuka pinkprincess dua_186 silkess smescrater 
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 Sometimes everything just feels insurmountable. They shouldn't, they should be going well but yet I still seem to feel like I'm at the bottom of a mud pit, lungs crushed and heart squeezed. What reasons do I have to be anxious?

- My house is damn good. I mean it. A couple of dirty dishes from tonights dinner and the coffee table is a bit cluttered from the weekend of clearing. But I have a study, a clean kitchen, organised rooms. There is so much order in this house right it can't be described.

- I got into my course. Again I am so happy about that. I have looked through modules and feel happy about them. I have sent back all that needs sending. All is good.

- Talked things over with Paul about the house today and rent and stuffs. Everything is good to go there. No worries.

- I've started reading manga again and feeling great giving my brain a break

- I have bee given weekends off (not that that means much as they are still all booked from here to June somehow lol) so no stress there

- I worked out how much holiday I am owed and its a lot, so no worries about going on holidays or loosing hours over not working said weekends

- Bagheera is well - another big relief

- Sam and I are fine and enjoying stuff together, particularly going to the cinemas again, watching Dollhouse and Fringe

- Money is tight (I've started saving) but not painfully so, I am still able to buy manga etc 

- The weather is turning, the sun is shining and I feel better about the world when that happens

- The pms is over and I am 'sane' again, no more bad thoughts etc

- Even the Freecycle group is up to date

That is one hell of a lot of positives there, don't think I've written that many ever!

So why is my chest being crushed, why is someone squeezing my heart and throat. Why am I feeling rooted to the spot? Why do I want to turn the lights out and hide under this dining table? Why I am in the throes of anxiety? What is going on inside to cause this reaction, it must be inside because I can't see an external trigger? And without knowing what is making me anxious how do I stop it.

I know what I will do for tonight. I will take 2 diazepam, go upstairs, wake sam and cuddle till I sleep. But how do I tackle this in the long run? I don't want to be scared all my life, especially if I don't know what I am scared of. 

I don't expect any of you to have the answers I'm looking for. If you have suggestions then thats great throw them *gently* at me! But you don't have to. This is:

1) A distraction from that anxiety to give myself enough time to plan how to deal with it (done with the diaz plan)
2) A way of expressing this, getting it off my chest and allowing any others who get this to know they aren't alone, they may well still be crazy but they aren't alone in it!
3) A record, because my memory is so bad, this will let me know that I felt this way at some point in my life. Maybe in the future I won't feel this way, I won't have for so long that I can read this and think 'wow did I really feel that way?' (I already do that with some of the earlier posts of this journal), maybe in the future I will be working with a therapist wondering how long I've felt this way, this will stand as a record. Either way its a record.

Ok tightness eased a bit, time for diaz and bed. Good ole Dr Hore tomorrow arvo maybe he will be able to help. And maybe I can twist Sams arm to going Yo Sushi after again :-)

*huggles f-list*

Dans - #How do I feel this good sober?#

Mar. 19th, 2009


Random lyrics

 When it's good, it's good, so good 'till it goes badCollapse )
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Mar. 18th, 2009


London calling...

ahem *clears throat*

#I got into uni, I got into uni#

*dances around her LJ*

Yep I got an acceptance email from LSHTM yesterday, some september I will be living in London and studying Medical Parasitology. I was soooo happy. I even took my old parasitology text book to work with me to read on the train. Yep I think I def have the interest in this to ensure that I do my best. I can't wait to get started and I can't wait to be back in London.

Dans *bouncing*

PS sorry if you are the unfortunate ones that had to hear about this via text facebook and now LJ but... *bounce and squee* I'm going home!!!!!

Mar. 9th, 2009


calling all you sci-fi fans

 Hey guys,

Have a favour to ask my f-list. A good friend is working on a project for college which is based on fandom, specifically sci-fi. She needs input from actual fans, experiences, photos and info. She's set up a comm for it (http://community.livejournal.com/scifi_fan_movie/) and there is an info post with a meme in it. If anyone has the time to go over and look maybe contribute a little it would help her out alot. It also seems really cool.

That's all, hope everyone is well.


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