Some days I want love, and some days I don't.
Sometimes I can feel it and suddenly it's gone.
Some days I can tell you the truth,
And some days I just don't.

Only a change of mood, sun goes down
Someone says something too quick or too soon
A touch not made, one made too late
Armies of words cannot hope to contain

Then it comes and it goes.
And I have no control.

Some days I can think clear and some days I won't.
Sometimes I can feel it and suddenly it's gone
Some days I am strong and some days my skin's broken and thin.
That's when it feels and it takes what it needs and it leaves before I get to know,
It's only a step away moments that armies of words can not hope to contain

Then it comes and it goes.
And I cant make it hold.
And there's nothing I own.
And it breaks me when it goes.

Some days I want love, and some days I don't
Sometimes I can feel it and suddenly it's gone
Some days I can tell you the truth and some days I just don't.

Only a change of mood dream comes out
Some one tells something to quick or to soon,
A move not made one made to late
Armies of words cannot hope to contain

Then it comes and it goes.
And I can't seem to hold
And there's nothing I own.
And it breaks me when it goes.

Hello...

It's been a long time since I posted anything on here. I knew that I would be busy with my move to London and starting my masters but I have to admit I didn't expect to be so busy that I couldn't find time for here.

So whats happened in the last 6 months or so?

Moved to London:
Despite some teething problems with the house we are very nearly completely unpacked and it felt like home from the first couple of days. Living next to Mum hasn't been too bad. She keeps coming round but sometimes it's nice to sit and chat with her (less so when I'm busy though). It's also meant a lot more home cooked meals from her. Being near the rest of the family is good aswell. I've been able to make it to 2 family occasions, taught Nat how to homebrew and learnt some West Indian cooking from her and I had the kids over these past 2 days. Tiring but fun.

Started my course:
Again this one has been tiring but fun. It was a bit nerve-racking to start with, meeting new people etc. There were only 6 people doing the same course as me though so we all got to know each other quite quickly. They are a nice bunch. I really did miss the learning aspect, more than I thought and I've really enjoyed it so far. I'm getting a little stressed about finding a summer projects and if I'm doing the right modules or not but hopefully all will be well. I was right that I have the enthusiasm to do well this time round. I can proudly say I've had 100% attendance for the course so far; which is something I have never managed for any course or even module (bar the parasitology module in my BSc and even then I'm not sure if I managed 100% as opposed to just going most of the time). I really hope I can manage that for the coming term and the SAD doesn't get in the way too much :-(

It sounds kinda sad but that's pretty much it. Uni has pretty much taken up most of my time. Oh in late Sept (before the course started) I went on a relaxing holiday with Sam and Lis in Spain. We spent most of it playing Race for the Galaxy, swimming (I can swim now!) and lazing by the pool. It was really good.

Merlin started on TV again for season 2 and has finished now. I wasn't sure about it to start with but the season grew on me. I need to rewatch it but not quite sure when I'll have time. I have totally fallen out of the fandom though (not that I was that far in it to start with). Keeping up to date with Merlin08 was the first to go, swiftly followed by fanfic (if anyone has any recs for decent very very short angsty fics they would be appreciated!).

Oh and the December season happened, containing an exam I worried far too much about, Yule, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, having the kids stay over and New Years. The exam was meh, I put a lot of work in but as per usual I feel I should have/could have put more in. I think I did ok but I'm pretty sure I won't be happy with my grade *sigh* It's fine when I don't care about what I'm studying 'cos the grade doesn't bother me, but as soon as I start to put effort in and care about the work I get disappointed with the results.Hopefully that's something I can work on this year.

( Christmas ramblings )

Spent the rest of today playing on the PS3 with Sam. First Mushroom Wars which I like but keep loosing at and then Pixal something Monsters, which is a tower defence game, not as fun as Mushroom Wars but strangely addictive. Played it for at least 6 hours (with a half hour break for dinner when we finally remembered it). Quite frustrating but hoping to play some more tomorrow. Maybe I can actually do this relaxing lark!

Right I guess I should sleep now, what with it being nearly 6am. I just wanted to let people know I'm still alive, what I've been up to and that hopefully I'll manage to stay around when term starts. Hope everyone on my f-list is well

*hugs*

Dans

Ok I know this may be cheeky (or it may not - I suck at asking for things). But I am planning to go on a sponsered walk in Scotland to raise some money for an organisation called CAWL (Countryside and Ancient Ways Legacy). It's aim is to buy a plot of land which can be preserved and used for pagan camps and stuff. It's not yet a registered charity but is looking at gaining that label.

The walk isn't epic, 6 miles, but the challenge is that I will be doing it starkers, well I get to wear shoes and a hat if its sunny - and boy do I pray it will be sunny!

So would any of you like to sponser me? The form is behind the cut and you can pm addresses/email addresses as this post is public.


( Onwards! To forms and - well, forms ) Grr couldn't paste the form in, its a pdf and my techy skills fail. Have tried my best to reproduce it.

Ok I will go crawl under a rock somewhere and look forward to the Scottish countryside

Dans - hoping you all don't hate me

 things that made me happy today

a nice sauna
watching a family

1) homebrew
2) winning on a button mashing game
3)lazy mornings 

Tagged by innovativecheat - I can do it and I'll even go for more than one :-)

EIGHT DAYS OF HAPPY!

1. Post about something that made you happy today, even if it's just a small thing.
2. Do this every day for eight days.
3. Tag eight of your friends to do the same.

What made me happy today:
1. Posted two manga reviews on my other LJ
2. Had pizza hut with sam and had a good convo
3. I'm wearing my Farscape Tshirt and someone recognised without seeing the back!
4. O O O I nearly forgot, found out Gravitaion Collection will be volumes 1 and 2 of the manga and I will pp it on pre-order when I get home *bounce* I love gravi so much!

Dans

I tag: ravenbairn jazzymegster llivla nekosakurazuka pinkprincess dua_186 silkess smescrater 

 Sometimes everything just feels insurmountable. They shouldn't, they should be going well but yet I still seem to feel like I'm at the bottom of a mud pit, lungs crushed and heart squeezed. What reasons do I have to be anxious?

- My house is damn good. I mean it. A couple of dirty dishes from tonights dinner and the coffee table is a bit cluttered from the weekend of clearing. But I have a study, a clean kitchen, organised rooms. There is so much order in this house right it can't be described.

- I got into my course. Again I am so happy about that. I have looked through modules and feel happy about them. I have sent back all that needs sending. All is good.

- Talked things over with Paul about the house today and rent and stuffs. Everything is good to go there. No worries.

- I've started reading manga again and feeling great giving my brain a break

- I have bee given weekends off (not that that means much as they are still all booked from here to June somehow lol) so no stress there

- I worked out how much holiday I am owed and its a lot, so no worries about going on holidays or loosing hours over not working said weekends

- Bagheera is well - another big relief

- Sam and I are fine and enjoying stuff together, particularly going to the cinemas again, watching Dollhouse and Fringe

- Money is tight (I've started saving) but not painfully so, I am still able to buy manga etc 

- The weather is turning, the sun is shining and I feel better about the world when that happens

- The pms is over and I am 'sane' again, no more bad thoughts etc

- Even the Freecycle group is up to date

That is one hell of a lot of positives there, don't think I've written that many ever!

So why is my chest being crushed, why is someone squeezing my heart and throat. Why am I feeling rooted to the spot? Why do I want to turn the lights out and hide under this dining table? Why I am in the throes of anxiety? What is going on inside to cause this reaction, it must be inside because I can't see an external trigger? And without knowing what is making me anxious how do I stop it.

I know what I will do for tonight. I will take 2 diazepam, go upstairs, wake sam and cuddle till I sleep. But how do I tackle this in the long run? I don't want to be scared all my life, especially if I don't know what I am scared of. 

I don't expect any of you to have the answers I'm looking for. If you have suggestions then thats great throw them *gently* at me! But you don't have to. This is:

1) A distraction from that anxiety to give myself enough time to plan how to deal with it (done with the diaz plan)
2) A way of expressing this, getting it off my chest and allowing any others who get this to know they aren't alone, they may well still be crazy but they aren't alone in it!
3) A record, because my memory is so bad, this will let me know that I felt this way at some point in my life. Maybe in the future I won't feel this way, I won't have for so long that I can read this and think 'wow did I really feel that way?' (I already do that with some of the earlier posts of this journal), maybe in the future I will be working with a therapist wondering how long I've felt this way, this will stand as a record. Either way its a record.

Ok tightness eased a bit, time for diaz and bed. Good ole Dr Hore tomorrow arvo maybe he will be able to help. And maybe I can twist Sams arm to going Yo Sushi after again :-)

*huggles f-list*

Dans - #How do I feel this good sober?#

 ( When it's good, it's good, so good 'till it goes bad )

ahem *clears throat*

#I got into uni, I got into uni#

*dances around her LJ*

Yep I got an acceptance email from LSHTM yesterday, some september I will be living in London and studying Medical Parasitology. I was soooo happy. I even took my old parasitology text book to work with me to read on the train. Yep I think I def have the interest in this to ensure that I do my best. I can't wait to get started and I can't wait to be back in London.

Dans *bouncing*

PS sorry if you are the unfortunate ones that had to hear about this via text facebook and now LJ but... *bounce and squee* I'm going home!!!!!

 Hey guys,

Have a favour to ask my f-list. A good friend is working on a project for college which is based on fandom, specifically sci-fi. She needs input from actual fans, experiences, photos and info. She's set up a comm for it (http://community.livejournal.com/scifi_fan_movie/) and there is an info post with a meme in it. If anyone has the time to go over and look maybe contribute a little it would help her out alot. It also seems really cool.

That's all, hope everyone is well.

Dans

 Well I think it's time for an update. I give you fair warning it shall be long and rambling, with possibe long rambly whiney rants about depression.

This weekend had me in London seeing Tina Turner in concert with Sam, my Mum, Paul, Nat and Sam's Mum. Oh my god was that woman amazing on stage!!!! I swear she was singing and dancing, and oh what shape she is in. Those legs! I want those legs, I don't care about having them at 69 I want them now at 24!!!! WOW. She had a couple of songs where she sat down and an itermission, she also had a costume change in the middle of each set but there was no warm up band. I really felt I got my moneys worth there. Had a bit of a sore voice for the next day but yeah it was good!

We also had a preemptive celebration for Sam's 30th as we won't be with his mum on the day. And Sam and I can proudly say we survived our mothers staying in the same house for the weekend! I did get slightly worried when Kirsti (Sam's Mum) gave him a present saying it was actually for both of us, she was waiting for the wedding but thought she may as well give us now. We aren't even engaged. Then I found they had been talking about grandchildren *Sigh*

Had a shorter weekend that I was planning for as got struck with the pits of depression on the Friday night and stayed home rather than heading to London. I was really dissappointed last week. Monday the sun was shining I was caught up on lots of stuff, my brain was functioning and I was feeling full of hope and everything. Tuesday and the weather turned and my modd plummeted. I got really really depressed. Now I'm in a state of apathy not doing anything and not having the energy or want to. I've reached the point where I am tired of being depressed all the time. Tired of putting things on hold and waiting for summer. I want to be living now. I want to be active and cooking and cleaning and fangirling. I want to be talking to my friends. I left my fone upstairs all day one day last week. I just had no desire to communicate. That isn't me. I keep my fone on my all the time. I shower and sits on the side. I sleep and its on the dresser. I walk around the house and its in my pocket. Even if the battery dies or I have to turn it off it stays by me. *Sigh* I wanna be Dans again.

It's not helping that I haven't heard back from London. Well thats a lie. The application went in at the end of Jan. I emailed to check Jo Hamilton's ref got there ok and they said all was good, estimate of 4-6 weeks for a decision. I get a response from Liverpool telling me I have a conditional place. I need to pay them 1k to hold it and its only provisional, if lots of other people reply accepting before I do then I can loose it. But London is the first choice so I hold out for the response. End of Feb rolls around and I'm getting nervous, check my inbox and there's an email. It again thanks me for my application and informs me that I now need to send my reference from Jo Hamilton as they are waiting on this to make a decision about my application. I call them telling them it was sent start of Jan and they confirmed reciept. They pop me on hold then come back saying 'Ah yes sorry here it is, it didn't get matched up for some reason' that's despite them confirming recieving both parts. I ask how long now and they say generally it will be 4-6 weeks but it may be sooner as they have already seen the application once. Another 4-6 weeks! That was 3 weeks into the original 4-6 weeks making it a total of 7-9 weeks I could have to wait. *argh* And now we are at the start of the 6th week. I've had Liverpool waiting for 4 weeks as of tomorrow :-s I'm slightly scared I'm gonna loose that place and then still not get into London. I think I will call them today and ask if they can hurry it up in any way.

What else has happened. Oh yeah the whole getting into Liverpool thing. That was good. And then there was my birthday. Yay more depression. *Sigh* Spent most of the actual day asleep or hiding in bed reading fic. Went to Sapporo Teppenyaki off Deansgate for dinner. Was really nice and entertaining. The food was gorgeous. For the weekend Lis came up. We were gonna go shopping and yo sushi but instead I cooked my best Salmon Teriyaki and we slomped. Watched Speed Racer, The Matrix and V for Vendetta (I love that film sooooo much) and ate a multitude of cakes. Was nice and relaxing. I also got help to build my 2nd action figure display cabinet and I am proud to say that it is full. I now have 1 figure of Ryuk (From the new set - Karla got him as a present for me) waiting to go in as I now have no space for him anywhere. Also finished my collection of DN Nendoroirds (Apart from the xmas specials) and have fought to get the limited edition DN dvd action figures (Due to zavvi going bust Manga UK can't do the limited edition boxes anymore so no new figures in the UK  *growls*) Now I just need the Sidoh and the Mello to have the full set. My ebay searches are daily.

I did manage to get a review up on my reviewing LJ when I was feeling better. And I've made a bit more progress with Finnish. Sam had to give me an English grammer lesson in the car last night as I never learnt it. Everything I know about sentance structure, spelling and the English Language in general I learnt through reading books and picking up trends. But it looks like I can't learn Finnish without knowing thier grammer and my German teacher always said my lack of focus on grammer held me back. We also had a mini arguement about my use of capital G when i say Gods or Goddesses or even God or Goddess as Sam says only the Christian God should get a capital G due to that being his name (proper noun??? *looks at sam nervously*) where as God and Goddess are pro-nouns???? Like if someone named thier cat Cat you would give it a capital C but you don't give all cats a capital c because its the name of a type or something. But I think Gods and Goddesses are different and can have capitals. lol. Would be interesting to know what other people do as am in the middle of reading a Vivianne Crowley book and she seems to have inconsistancies. I;m not saying that what I do is grammatically correct. I know it isn't now. But what do you guys do?

Our tenancy on this place ends on Weds, we are staying on a rolling month by month conract until we find out what happens with London, maybe even after that, if I don't get in and we stay up here to go to Liverpool then we may buy a place as Sam is keen to buy when the market changes.

Oh and also on my up Monday as well as typing reviews I managed to get some work done on the home brew, filtering and bottling. Just a bit left to go then I think I fancy doing some Lemon Curd. 

I don't know if I told you guys that I started going to the gym. The drs have made me. I actually quiet enjoy it though haven't seen any affect other than being able to carry two of the shutters at work rather than just one. Maybe I'm better at the weights than at the cardio burning fat. *Sigh* One day I'll loose some of this weight. One day.

I don't think there is anymore news really. Life is life, going sooo much slower due the SAD and the apathy the end of SAD is bringing. I;ve even stopped reading fic and watching stuff. I've stopped searching for distraction and escape from life now I'm just bored *Sigh* Roll on summer time and a response from London!

*huggles to all* Sorry I aint been about much.

Dans

 1. Leave me a comment saying, 'interview me'. 
2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions. 
3. Update your LJ with the answers to the questions. (You must do this, even if it's filtered for my eyes only!) 
4. Include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post. 
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions

Questions fromxakliaaeryn  :

1 - What's your first 'fan' memory?

2 - How did you get interested in parasites?

3 - Would you ever dye your hair?

4 - If you could go anywhere in the world on holiday, where would you go?

5 - How did you get that photo as an icon?!

( answers be here )

 well figured I'd do this before bed

( stoled from Lisa again )

The need to procrastinate and while my time away has struck again

 

( 100 things you really don't need to know about me )I just can't be bothered to do anything right now. I am still wearing my coat and scarf from when I came in 2 and a half hours ago. I didn;t mean for my answers to seem to depressed in places. I just, argh. I really need to just crawl under my duvet and hide. It doesn't help that the last thing I want in the world right now is to lie down and go to sleep. I'm tired, very very tired, but lying down to sleep gives me 5-10 mins to think while I fall asleep and if I have time to think then my mind goes to bad places and I feel triggered and anxious and then can't sleep and get trapped in a circle of bad thoughts. Maybe I will bite the bullet and crack out the sleeping pills again tonight :-(

Dans *Walks off muttering about life sucking donkey bollocks badly*

Random meme to pass the time
( 25 things about me ) 

MAH ICONS.

default	oldest	newest
saddest	happiest	angriest
cutest	sexiest	funniest
fave ship	fave fandom	fave animated
best quote	best textless	best stolen idea
use the most	favorite

HOW MANY ICONS DO YOU HAVE: 99
OUT OF HOW MANY AVAILABLE ICONS SPACES: 110
IF YOU COULD BUY SPACE FOR MORE, WOULD YOU: not until i get up to 110
DO YOUR ICONS MAKE A STATEMENT: yeah they say what things I like
WHAT FANDOM DO YOU HAVE THE MOST ICONS OF: Fruits Basket
AND THE SECOND MOST: Inuyasha
WHAT SHIP DO YOU HAVE THE MOST ICONS OF: Tohru/Kyo but they aren't all shippy, if we are going shipp only then Tohru/Kyo tie with Sango/Miroku
ARE YOUR ICONS MADE MOSTLY BY OTHER PEOPLE: yep
DO YOU MAKE ICONS: I have made one or two
ARE THEY ANY GOOD: not really just caps shrunk down
ANIMATED ICONS ARE: love

Do the meme.
Coding can be found here

Not entirely sure why I have roleplaying in the interests as I don't do it all that much. If I read UWA as student then thats a yeah. Take Zispin as medication in general and that also gets a yeah. The rest I have no idea on lol

 Howdy all!

First off hope those who celebrate had a good Yule, I know I did :-D. Merry Christmas to anyone who wants it. Sam and I are at home alone for it which will prob be made up of chilling out.

Main thing I wanted to say was about my Yule present from Sam. Merlin soundtrack. I didn't know they even had one. Have been sooo bouncey about it and wanted to let all the other Merlin fans on here know that it is out. *bounces* I also got the dvd from Lis as a thank you for hosting Yule, haven't seen the extras yet tho. May try and convince Sam that rewatching merlin eps is a good way to spend xmas day  :-D

Ooooo can't wait for more Merlin merch. Ah I watched the last ep of Merlin. Wasn't in a good mood when I saw it so didn't react as much as I normally would but must say that I was a bit dissapointed with it. When we saw that Merlin was leaving the island I knew that it was Arthur dying which was some relief. And I did love crazy!Morgana, she is great.  I really wasnt happy with the end though. They should not have been laughing and as much as I love Gaius he should have stayed dead. I started watching Merlin with it being a light series. As it progressed it got darker, they killed of Gwen's father which shocked me. I got really worried they had been taking tips from DK, worried and hopeful. But then they went and got a fluffy and argh. There should have been a cost. Merlin should have had to pay for saving Arthur, it was relativly a freebie and I hope it comes back to bite him. He also shouldn't have been able to kill Nimue. I don't care how powerful he has the possibility to become, he has not grown into his powers and Nimue is far older and powerful than he is. It annoyed me. I really hope that in season 2 Nimue comes back pissed as hell.

A good story should not pander to what we want, it should make us love the characters and then rip our hearts out, followed by putting our hearts back together to rip them out again. It should affect us. Provoke tears and laughter. That isn't to say that I do not love Merlin. It has been a bonnie little show and I am really looking forward to the next series. The good thing is that this series has affected me enough that I am, annoyed with the ending. I actually care about how this show goes.

On the geekyness subject the Farscape comics came out yesterday, a day early. I bought all 3 alternate covers and read a copy at work.

( thoughts on Farscape )oh and on the topic of Farscape just found out Gigi is gonna be at a con next year (thank you Lisa). :-D, I love being a geek.